Resetting Node on Windows

Oh god, I hate Node. :/

In an attempt to un-break my Node installation, I want to completely remove Node and all its modules, before reinstalling it and (some of) the modules one by one. I have followed these instructions for removing Node on Windows.

When I reinstall it and type npm ls to list my installed packages, I get a long, long list of packages and errors. How do I fully remove Node packages?

I swear I will never type npm update again as long as I live...